Quantum of Titles

It was spilt quite a few months ago that the next title of the Bond Franchise, Bond 22, was rumoured to be ‘Quantum of Solace’, a rumour that was just recently confirmed as fact. Taken from an Ian Fleming short story which features only a brief James Bond cameo, ‘Quantum of Solace’ will apparently pick up where ‘Casino Royale’ left off and have very little to do with the emotional drama of the short story. It will also most likely be the worst titled Bond movie of all time in my opinion (keep in mind the competition includes ‘Octopussy’ and ‘Moonraker’).

The question it also raises is where will ‘Quantum of Solace’ will fit amongst my Top 10 worst movie titles of all time? Making the list requires more than just an appalling title; it also depends on how poorly the title reflects the content of the film, and how effectively it made me lose interest in seeing it (but I have to have seen the film for it to be in contention).

Here’s my picks:

10. Lust, Caution
Pretension, Boredom.

9. The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
I’m not sure I have enough detail on what the movie is about…. I mean, why stop there? What about ‘The Assassination of The Dashingly Handsome Jesse James The Outlaw By The Cowardly But Also Strangely Charismatic Robert Ford On Sunday Morning After Jesse Had Poached Eggs For Breakfast But Before He Brushed His Teeth.’

8. Million Dollar Baby
Huh? This sounds like a Chris Columbus directed slapsticky comedy featuring a baby kidnapping, not a feel-bad boxing drama.

7. How To Make An American Quilt
I take it as a bad sign when the title alone almost puts me to sleep.

6. I *Heart* Huckabees
No symbols in titles please. Especially when they have little to no relevance to the movie itself (though I’ve gotta say, this film is definitely a grower on repeat viewings; some great dialogue and comedic performances).

5. Stop! Or My Mum Will Shoot
You wouldn’t think that they could come up with a title dumber than the movie itself, but some genius saved the day supplying this ‘hysterical’ moniker for Sly Stallone’s 1992 stinker.

4. Leonard Part 6
Quite stupid in its own right, but even stupider when you realise there is no Leonard Parts 1-5.

3. Gigli
A title becomes infinitely stupider when you actually have to give instructions on how to pronounce it. Giggly? Jiggly? Gig-lie? (The actual pronunciation is closer to jeely). Probably the main reason this film bombed (the movie itself really isn’t that bad).

2. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
Who the frig are Ecks and Sever? Why do we care if they are going against each other? Why is their battle a syntactical-descriptive of the word Ballistic? Why am I even asking questions of logic about a Wych Kaosayananda film?

1. To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar
Yeah, thanks for everything Wong Foo. Can I please have that two hours of my life back?

(Sidenote: My brother and I were talking about this movie a few weeks back and we cannot for the life of us work out why a 15 year old and a 12 year old boy went to see a movie about drag queens at the cinema. What were the other choices that week? I mean, we lived in a small town, but this is just wrong. Forget violence, sex and nudity; someone should be protecting the youth from bad drag queen comedies).